I want to preface this post by saying that motherhood has made me extremely snarky and has diminished some of the self-consciousness I used to have, so please don’t take offense to anything I say below. My goal right now is to bring a bit of humor into my journey of motherhood, and hopefully that’ll lighten the dark moods we as mothers sometimes find ourselves in. So commiserate and laugh with me, little friends.

1. “Is he sleeping through the night?”

“I swear I just answered this 2 seconds ago…” 

This question starts arooooound the 1 month mark. And it. Doesn’t. Ever. Stop. Bless you concerned friends who ask this question, but do you really have to? If my baby is STTN (sleeping through the night), it’s straight up annoying to keep answering it. If she isn’t, it’s just going to bring out my bad side and I’m gonna get pissed because I’m reliving the 27 times I had to get up last night to shush/feed/change my baby and I’ll probably just start crying on the spot. This is one of the questions I get asked that make me think about putting a sticker of some sort with facts about my baby on her so I don’t have to answer the same thing every 20 minutes, but I’m not sassy enough to do that IRL…

2. “You look exhausted!”

“Thanks Karen, you look like shit too.” 

I mean come on, why do people say this to anyone, ever?! It’s just like when people ask you if you’re sick on the ONE DAY you go to work without makeup on. Please don’t talk to me about my face.

3. “Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding?”

“My baby is well fed. KTHXBYE.” 

After experiencing the difficulties of breastfeeding and hearing stories of so many moms being shamed for feeding their baby in literally any way, I’m done with this question. I’m happy to talk about feeding journeys with other moms, but out of respect for their decisions or any frustrations they may be feeling towards why they have to feed their baby a certain way, I won’t be the first one to bring it up.

4. “How old is… it?”

“SHE is 6 months. Also, are you blind or just stupid?”

Mama, people are gonna guess the wrong gender at least once, and while I get visible annoyed and complain in a slight rage to my husband afterwards, I’ve learned you just gotta brush it off. To be transparent here, I’ve been on both sides of the ‘wrong-gender’ convo… But in my defense, this baby had a boy’s name too. It was in a parent-baby class and I forced my awkwardly introverted self to talk to another human (OMGOMGOMG). I asked the girl next to me what her baby’s name was, and she replied with “Cody”. The baby was in black and grey clothes, and there was no trace of that “I-want-everyone-to-know-my-baby-is-a-girl” bow headband anywhere. But when I asked, “How old is he?” She promptly emphasized the SHE as I’ve done so many times when she answered me. I stopped going to the group after that.

5. “When do you think you’ll have another?”

“Are you effing kidding me Patrice? I just pushed/cut a HUMAN PERSON out of me. Get off my back.” 

Do these people actually know what it’s like to give birth? Sure, usually they ask this with a smirk on their face, or they’re your parents and they want ten thousand grandchildren no matter what that means for your body, but that’s hardly an excuse. You have my permission to give these people a firm but gentle slap in the face and walk away. Enjoy your new baby and let that midsection heal, girl.

Anything you get asked all the time that I missed? Stick it in the comments below so we can laugh at this joke called motherhood together.